A Holiday Told In Social Media

Okay, I'm cheating a little here. I'm stepping back from micro-storytelling and reverting to the macro.

I resolved to tell the story of the holiday on Facebook and Twitter, in part to keep family and friends updated, but critically to preserve the minute details of the holidays fresh in my mind and act as "trigger points" so that I can fill in the gaps at a later date.

I thought it would be interesting to reproduce exactly what I posted through Facebook and Twitter. I quickly developed a quirky style, not quite a diary, not quite a summary, that many friends commented on later as being highly entertaining.

So here goes. Posts have been sorted in chronological order, although just to confuse you the dates are Australian EST, so many of my morning posts were actually published in the afternoon. Also, I tended to summarise on Facebook the day after the fact, so don't be surprised to see a lot of conflicting information. Each line is the start of a new post.

I could only search back my Twitter feed to December 25th, so everything before then is Facebook, and nearly everything afterwards is not.

Enjoy!

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December 19th

It's a long, long way back to Longreach.

Checked into Narita International Airport, Tokyo.

Waiting for a 90 minute ride across the world's largest city.

December 20th

Checked in at Paris Charles de Gaulle Airport.

December 21st

Went to Buckingham Palace, the Queen was in but she wasn't receiving visitors. Nor was Mr Cameron. Maybe they were playing bridge? Have only slept five fitful hours since leaving Cairns. Due for a sleep. It's 4:20pm and pitch dark. Shopping at Harrods tomorrow (for what, and with what, I don't know), and maybe a few museums too.

Fifteen hour sleep and I'm good to go again. 7:00am outside and still pitch black. I would go bonkers if I lived here.

The last two pieces of white bread, and guess what happens.

Just to let everyone know that Mum intends getting on Facebook later today.

December 22nd

Day 2: Harrods, London Tower, Tower Bridge, Mind The Gap, Lord's (missed the tour), Abbey Road, walking across Abbey Road (á la the Beatles), watching others walk across Abbey Road, Big Red Bus, performing the ATM Victory Dance after finding my money has come through. Now to find some dinner.

December 23rd

Checked in at Victoria and Albert Museum.
Checked in at London Eye.

London Eye - terrific!

Day 3 done. Natural History museum was okay - some parts done brilliantly, others so-so. V&A Museum was immense; we probably saw about half of one percent of all the items on display. Brick Lane curry house was an experience, then an unscheduled stop at the London Eye. "We're seriously not going on that thing?" Yes, yes we are Mum. Off to Paris today via train. About to discover just how extremely limited my French is! Oui oui!

Checked in at St Pancras International Station.

Ready to roll!

December 24th

Checked in at Bastilles Classics Hotel

Sacre bleu!

Day 4: Bread toasted on one side, stone cold on the other (how does that happen?); farewell to the Tube; travelled to France facing backwards in the Eurostar; a kilometer hike just to get off the railway platform; lost in the maze that was Gare du Nord; a fellow queuing ahead of us got robbed in broad daylight, we nearly got done by a scam involving deaf and blind beggars who were neither deaf nor... blind; the only two tourists riding the Paris Metro; "Parlez-voi Anglais?" "Non" "Oh"; watching cars stop in the middle of roundabouts, a late night walk down Boulevard Voltaire and a feast of French potstoes. A poor start to Paris (at Gare du Nord) but hopefully today is much better. Planning to do everything indoors today (Lourve etc) as we don't know if anything is open tomorrow. Merry Christmas to all at home.

 

December 25th

 

Mum is rather happy; she has learnt how to buy cigarettes in French.

 

Day 5 - Strolling down the Boulevard for some early morning coffee; The Worst Subway Station in Europe (someone urinated in the gutters!); Le Petit Pont; Watching the Seine River rush faster than the Mossman River; Notre Dame cathedral; Crepes at a cafe, complete with Chocolat au haut; Let's walk to the Louvre! Actually, let's get a bus; Being lashed by sub-Arctic winds in an open-aired bus; The Worst Roundabout in Europe (about a kilometre wide, sixteen different streets, no lights or markings), Champs Élysées, Arc de Triomphe, the Trocadero, being hassled by 200 people selling trinkets, walking under the Eiffel Tower, walking a massive circuit around our hotel in the evening, Christmas markets at Place de la Nation, nothing else opens on Christmas Eve, watching Mickey Mouse cartoons in French. A quiet day today. Joyeux Nöel to everyone back home.

 

December 26th

 

Christmas lunch! Turkey with honey and balsamic vinegar. @ Paris Montparnasse cafe restaurant

 

Just skyped my brother and his partner back home. 30 degrees at sunset, monsoon settling in. Jealous. Only a little.

 

Day 6 - Laundry day at a back alley laundromat. Walking back to the hotel in shorts and thongs. Walking down Rue de Charonne on Christmas Day. That's not the Bastille. Nor is that. Where is the Bastille? What do you mean it was demolished? Metro over to Tour Montparnasse. Fantastic views of almost everything in Paris. Belated lunch at Cafe Montparnasse. Spoiled it all with "Crepe au Nutella". Walked back trough quiet Parisian lanes. That's not a park, parks don't have tombstones. Rush hour on the Metro. Change of plans in Week 3 - Edinburgh, not Dublin. Off to the Louvre on Day 7, then Barcelona.

 

Au revoir, free wifi.

 

December 27th

 

¡Barcelona!

 

Cricket score, anyone?

 

Day 7 and part Day 8 - Au Revoir to Bellville, finding Gare d'Aust, phone call from Aaron, lining up at the Louvre, navigating the tens of thousands of visitors, the Mona Lisa Moshpit, back to Gare d'Aust, the Ribstick demonstration that floored Mum ("He's cute because he's good at it and he's a redhead"), the night train to Barcelona, a stroll to the Mediterranian, watching surfers in five degrees, a five kilometer walk through the back alleys of Horta, arrived at hostel with a rooftop view! Off to self-explore, then main tour tomorrow.

 

Just smashed my head on the door leading to the sunroof. This place was built by midgets, I swear.

 

And I've lost my Barcelona rail pass. 13 euro to get a new one. Shit shit shitty shit.

 

December 28th

 

Day 8 cont. - Placa Catalunya, a sea of doves, watch out for the pickpockets, a "Farmacia" on every corner, La Rambla, FC Barça merchandise everywhere, Christopher Columbus, Montjuic, walking through Barcelona's Brick Lane, back to Barceloneta for a paella, back to observe Tuesday night shopping in Horta, checking the weather and snow is forecast for Munich. Up early tomorrow.

 

Standing on the roof of my hostel. This view is for all time.

 

Good night Australia.

 

December 29th

 

Day 9 - Hot shower, bacon and eggs on La Rambla, met up with tour guide Alex for the day, five Aussies, six Poms, the classic stereotypical American tourist (Mum's words: "a piece of work") and two associates (questions included "What language do you speak in Spain?", "Is Spain in Europe?" and "What happened to the original Sagrida Familiar?"), bus ride up to the 1992 Olympic Stadium, saw the caul...dron which was lit by flaming bow and arrow, down to Sagrida Familiar - words cannot describe - a glass of cava to wash down my olive, a walk through the Gothic Quarter, look what Franco's planes did to this convent ("bastardo"), Creme Catalona, tipped a waitress 2€ to use her premises' toilets, driven to this amazingly decorated park-come-castle whose name escapes me for now, saw trinklet hoarders pack up their wares in record time due to oncoming police, listened to Mum educate the Poms on modern Australian social history, finished the day at an amazing rooftop museum on a clear blue day. Finished the evening ordering dinner in horrendous Spanish at their version of Subway. We cheat a little and fly to our next destination tomorrow: München. Forecast top: 4

 

Just listened to Midnight Oil's version of Advance Australia Fair from the Wave Aid reunion. Feeling kind of homesick now.

 

December 30th

 

Barcelona Airport. Named El Prat, after our bus driver.

 

Checked in to Munich.

 

We're at our hostel in Munich. Lots of bags everywhere and impossible to see whose bed is whose.

 

Knowing my luck, we'll be sharing with Poms who haven't showered for a week.

 

Hang on, I haven't showered for a week either.

 

Oh, and Munich is bloody cold too.

 

Day 10 (!) - Up early, mad bus ride through sleepy Barcelona streets, El Prat airport, awfully ignorant rude passengers behind us on the flight who spoke at maximum volume for the whole trip and would not f*cken shut up despite the glares and shooshes Mum was delivering, first sight of the Alps, landing at Franz Josef Airport at the same time as another plane (on a parallel runway), Munich is jolly cold, walk down to Marienplatz at night, the most divine pork meal imaginable, spoiled by chestnuts afterwards, a mixup at the hostel, forecast of 2 degrees tomorrow.

 

Just saw snow for the first time.

 

Haven't done a whole heap of sight seeing in Munich so far, still sorting out paperwork for the next leg, printing tickets and whatnot.

 

December 31st

 

Day 11 - Sleep in, that's not "fat rain", that's snow! An urgent need for gloves, missed the Glockenspiel, no cafes open in the morning, it's cold, these gloves are utter bullshit, well you did pay A$2 for them, a phone call home, confirming Berlin details the day before, missed the Glockenspiel again, the six-day-crossaint streak ends, a ride on the bus, surfers on the river (wet suit and all!), ...did I mention it's cold, a stein is a stein is a stein, arrived in time for the Glockenspiel, the Glockenspiel isn't working today, it's bloody cold, a walk through the food markets, saw a kid drink from the same fountain where a dove had "whoopsied" only moments earlier, caught a snowflake on my tongue, it's freezing, out to dinner, a very German lasagna at a French-theme cafe (párdon?), packing for the express train to Berlin tomorrow.

 

I have never felt as cold as I did today in Munich. Good bloody grief!

 

Shit! Woken up at 3:15am by a huge bang. Hope that was a firecracker and not something more sinister.

 

What kind of fuckwit opens all the windows in a hostel room after everyone has gone to sleep? It's freezing outside!

 

Happy new year everyone. I'll be on a train to Berlin at midnight in Australia, so wishing everyone all the best now.

 

January 1st

 

Snow in Germany.

 

Checked in to Alexanderplatz, Berlin.

 

Berliners love their fireworks on New Year's Eve, and will practically blow anything up.

 

[Retweet] NYE celebrations in Berlin are one massive middle finger to health and safety. They just throw fireworks about!

 

[Retweet] Berlin, I know you like fireworks, but last night felt totally crazy. It was like a warzone!

 

[Retweet] Berlin is ridiculous. The streets are filled with fireworks, broken glass and drunks lol

 

 

January 2nd

 

Back online. The fireworks in Berlin started at 4pm AND DID NOT STOP UNTIL 4AM.

Hundreds of thousands of people setting off their own fireworks, haphazardly and randomly. I thought I was going to be killed!

 

I even saw a wheelie bin explode due to the force of a hundred fireworks jammed in.

 

Berliners on New Year's Eve are fucking crazy! Complete mentallists!

 

(Fill in the gaps with adjectives you consider suitable!) Days 12 and 13 - Morning train from Munich, traveling through a winter wonderland, arriving in Berlin at 4pm, AND THE PLACE IS GOING ABSOLUTELY NUTS. [_______] fireworks going off EVERY second of every minute. Hooligans openly drinking in the streets and throwing [__________] fireworks in front of cars. A [_______] WHEELIEBIN EXPLODED IN FR...ONT OF US. Shaken and stirred. Made to walk the streets of Alexanderplatz, and the [_______] fireworks are booming everywhere. Close your eyes and it could have been May 1945. Walked as far as we could towards the Brandenberg Gate, nearly got blown to the [_______] sky, threatened to catch the next plane home, eventually could go no further on account of millions and millions of very drunk Germans converging on the same place at the same time. Walked back towards Alexanderplatz with [_______] fireworks still [_______] exploding everywhere. Saw in the new year under a hail of [_______] fireworks, just for something different. Fireworks still [_______] exploding at five in the [_______] morning. Very much on edge today. Streets absolutely filthy with broken glass and spent fireworks. Went up the Soviet-era TV Tower but could see naught on account of the cloud. A bus ride around the city, crossed the Berlin Wall a few times, Checkpoint Charlie, an early night tonight due to 5am start. Back at London tomorrow via Cologne and Brussels. And by the way, currywurst is the [__________] greatest culinary creation of our trip so far, even better than Creme Catalan!

 

My Commonwealth Bank app tells me my closest branch is in Karratha, Western Australia. That's helpful when one is in Berlin.

 

January 3rd

 

On a train for most of today. Berlin-Koln-Brussels-London. Playlists created and iPod recharged.

 

At the UK border that isn't really a border, at the Eurostar terminal in Brussels.

 

Day 14 - really quite boring. Four train rides, no fireworks thankfully. Europeans are utterly hopeless however at forming queues, and Cologne served the best currywurst of our German leg of the trip. Brussels station decorated with lots of Tintin pictures! Phone call to Australia misfired with erroneous timezone calculations. Back in London now, Edinburgh on 4th, Ireland on 6th, Australia on 11th. That's the plan at the moment.

 

[Retweet] If you ride the travellators at the airports and DON'T pretend you're riding a canoe, you're just wasting everyone's time.

 

January 4th

 

Woke up early to check the cricket score. If I had a seat I would fall off it. Well done Punter and Clarke.

 

Day something-or-other: Tube ride to Harrods, watched Mum go around in a shopping craze, along with about two thousand other Britons, a tube ride to Covent Garden, walked around until dark, shopping without intent which is dangerous. A bit of a nothing day really. However, tomorrow we take a flight to a Celtic nation for the last chapters of the holidays. Which one? Find out tomorrow....

 

Just worked out I will visit eight airports within the week: Heathrow, Edinburgh, Shannon, Dublin, Gatwick, Heathrow again, CDG, Narita, Cairns.

 

Heathrow - absolutely useless airport. Spent longer queuing for our security check than we will spend in the air. Arrogant, pushy, rude, security checkers. Had to pull apart a meticulously packed bag in 60 seconds: fragile items be damned. Really looking forward to my next visit.

 

Spent longer in the queue at Heathrow than I will in the air. Complete bollocks.

Off to Edinburgh. Och aye the noo. And maybe a short trip to Troon, where they croon in June with a spoon.

 

Checked in to Edinburgh Airport.

 

Just went for a walk towards the Royal Mile. Driving wind and rain. One degree. Frigging cold.

 

This Scottish language television program is doing weird things to my head.

 

Leaky roof! Wind and rain pissing about everywhere! Upgraded to the family suite.

 

[Retweet] Tonight the weather in Edinburgh is officially minging.

 

January 5th

 

Day 16 - Early morning traditional English breakfast, packed in like sardines on the Tube, previously-documented hassles at Heathrow, "We are currently flying into 170mph headwinds", taxi tour of Edinburgh (with the taxi more often than not taking up both lanes of the street!), a freezing wet wintery walk up to the Royal Mile, "Chief" gets soaked (Mum's hat which looks and feels remarkably like the family dog), debating the origins of Chicken Tikka Masala, watching Scottish-language television with subtitles. Early start tomorrow, goal is to soak up as much of the four hours of predicted sunshine as possible.

 

Just spent half an hour looking to Mum's phone. Lost in transit somewhere between here and there.

 

In the meanwhile the weather is improving. Top of 7. May even see some sunshine today.

 

Had my first deep-fried mars bar today. It was......ahem.....interesting.

 

January 6th

 

Day 17 - Today's update is inspired by Trainspotting. "Choose life. Choose a job. Choose family. Choose to go to Edinburgh. Choose to wake up at seven in the morning. Choose coffee. Choose to lie in bed because it's so cold the froth on your coffee is frozen. Choose to walk uphill into the old town. Choose to window-shop while waiting for the sun to come up. Choose to take pictures of shirt slogan...s instead of buying them. Choose to walk downhill rather than uphill. Choose to lurk around the Queen's official Scottish residence. Choose to spend £24 on a tourist bus rather than a taxi. Choose to go to the Castle. Choose to arrive in time for the One o'clock Gun. Choose to arrive two minutes too late. Choose to loiter without intent outside the castle. Choose to eat a deep fried mars bar. Choose to never choose that choice again. Choose to go to Ireland tomorrow. Choose to return to Australia next Wednesday.....but why would I want to do a thing like that?"

 

Off to Ireland.

 

Why did the Irish rooster cross the road twice? To be sure, to be sure.

 

At the airport insanely early. Three hours before we take off.

 

That Bob Hawke video gets more impressive each and every time I see it. Even Mum is impressed.

 

Apparently there are only 16 people on our flight to Shannon today. Upgraded to the emergency aisle: more leg room.

 

This recliner rocks! If only I found it two hours earlier!

 

Hello Ireland!

 

Galway, you windy windswept old place full of wind, you.

 

January 7th

 

Day 18 - Early morning ride out of Edinburgh, walked from one end of their airport to the other finding our gate, only to have it changed and needing to walk back to where we started, a shaky flight across the Irish Sea, descending through thick pea soup fog, Welcome to Shannon, sit in our seats for ten minutes before the pilot eventually remembers to switch off the seatbelt sign, passengers getting death stares from hostesses for taking seat belts off anyway, getting a hire car, zooming up the M18 motorway to Galway, getting overtaken at 120km/hr (and in pouring rain!), staying at perhaps the best hotel of the trip for a dirt cheap €49 ($A63), gorging myself on duck for tea. Very early start tomorrow as we want to cram in a week's worth of sight seeing in seven hours of sunlight. Trying hard not to think about what I'll be doing in one week and one day!

 

Upon arriving in Galway we realised we hadn't had lunch for the day. Mum was duly dispatched with €6, and this is her idea of "lunch". Note the buffalo-flavoured chips.

 

Big drive today! Galway, Cliffs of Moher, Shannon Ferry, Tralee, Ring of Kerry. About 350km all up.

 

Irish FM radio is rubbish.

 

Hey Killarney, you and your illogical street signs and your crazy Saturday afternoon traffic.

 

Irish roads are completely mental. The width and speed limit simply aren't compatible!

 

100km/hr limit for a road that was exactly like my neighbour's driveway, except his driveway was wider.

 

January 8th

 

Strange noises upstairs.

 

Day 19 - Take an ordinary car. Take it to a regular driveway, the kind of which you may see in Longreach or Cairns. Now build solid rock-laden walls less than 30 centimeters from the edge of the driveway. Drill a hole in the middle of the driveway and re-pack the material more or less in a heap. Add a goat. Re-route parts of the highway to include the odd 90-degree turn or steep incline. Cover any useful street signs with any available vegetative matter. Set the speed limit to 100km per hour. Congratulations! You have created an Irish highway.

 

Last day in Ireland. Penultimate day of our trip. Drive from Killarney to Dublin, hopefully we all make it in one piece.

 

Killarney to Dublin 330km. That's a drive to get the milk and papers in the Australian outback.

 

January 9th

 

Last day of the trip. Crazy day negotiating the Irish motorway system - at a legal speed of 135km/hr, I was the slowest driver by a considerable margin. Still, one side of Ireland to the other in two hours will take considerable beating. Also taking some beating is Mum's question of "Which street is New Street on?". Room to myself last night as the hostel stuffed up and gave us a double instead of a twin. Piccadilly Circus this morning looking for souvenirs before the joys and delights of Heathrow. One hour flight to Paris, five hours sitting around eating macarons, ten hour flight to Tokyo, a little bit of terminal hopping in our two hour layover, then eight hours to Cairns. Hopefully the iPod survives.

 

Back in London, fly home tomorrow. Thanks to the wonders of time zones we leave on Monday and arrive on Wednesday.

 

Hello Heathrow, you miserable soul-destroying place you.

 

Checked in to Paris Charles de Gaulle Airport.

 

Smoking rooms at airports.....Jesus. A collection of fuckwits on public display slowly killing themselves. And they REEK afterwards.

 

Probably twenty people jammed into this box at Paris CdG. Cloud right down to their knees. Imagine the stinging eyes!

 

Sat in Heathrow 3hrs. Sat on Heathrow tarmac 1hr. In air 1hr. Paris customs 1hr. Waiting in Paris 3hrs. Actual flying time since 1pm today: 1hr.

 

We're boarding!

 

And I need to go the toilet in the worst possible way! Fuck!

 

International incident averted. But France, learn how to clean toilet blocks!

 

January 10th

 

Checked in to Narita International Airport, Tokyo.

 

Deep in conversation with another Australian flying home. Topic: tea towels.

 

January 11th

 

Checked in to Cairns International Airport.

 

Back in Cairns! Back in Australia! Oh the humidity!